THERE WILL BE CASUALTIES IN THE "WAR ON CHRISTMAS"

WAR ON CHRISTMAS! BRING IT ON!

(The Author is taking a day off for Holiday, er, he means Christmas Shopping. This post is contributed by the Author’s cousin, Elwood J. “Little Buzz” Windfall, Jr.

Little Buzz’ father, Uncle Elwood J. “Buzz” Windfall, was a prominent central Indiana attorney and Jim Beam enthusiast. Unfortunately, Uncle Buzz died seven Christmas Eves ago. But that is another story.

Little Buzz, like his uncle, is an attorney. Cousin Little Buzz appears to be even more enthusiastic about Jim Beam than his father.)

If the liberal “Happy Holidays, No Faith in Government bunch” want war on Christmas, by God, I want in on it. And my share out of it. With the no-bid contracts going out now, some of that money should come the way of this Good Republican Hoosier. Us Windfall’s been Republicans longer than the Barbara Bush’s been shaving. My dad collected for Nixon. And my great-grandpa[i] worked for D.C. Stephenson down in Indianapolis. I want a spoonful of the Washington Christmas pudding, just like these trough-guzzlin’ Texans that are getting’ in on it now.

I heard that George Bush and the Texas Republicans hated government until they figured out that check-writing privileges came along with war-making authority. One friend of mine, a Texas lobbyist and a Republican fund-raising Pioneer, told me back in 2001 ”before we went to Warshin ‘ton, they used to say that the Fed ‘rul guv’munt was all about checks and balances. I’m here to tell you son, it’s about the checks. All about the checks”.

Whatever the party needs in this “War on Christmas”, I can deliver. Hell, I like a traditional Christmas as much as the next man. I have fond memories of Christmas. Drunken snowmobiling on Christmas Eve. Shooting out Christmas lights with BB guns. And that one Christmas Eve when cousin Rob rented a front loader and we used it to knock down snowmen, garages, and the statue of Evan Bayh at the Statehouse. (Author’s note: This last thing didn’t happen. The arrest reports and the Indiana Bar Association Disciplinary Proceeding records make the front loader incident “deniable”. We paid a lot of people a lot of money to guarantee that outcome.)

Right now, I have access to my entire client list of rural Indiana petty criminals for some “Happy Holidays” sayin’ liberal ass kickin’s. If they want the American Civil Liberties Office cleaned out, no problem. A fifth of Jack Daniels, some fresh cooked, low lye residue meth, and these boys would have the whole New York Times Washington Bureau humming “Oh Little Town of Bethlehem” through breathing tubes.

You know, those boys are Christians, too. Lots of them even went to church and Sunday school. They was probably the ones stealing the communion wine and skimming the collection plate, but they was there, just like the rest of us.

Target, Macy’s, Nordstrom’s, I’ll jack’ em all up for a few million bucks. Just put that contract and the cash in my hand and it’s done. And I will kick up the tithe. Hell, I could even end up a Pioneer over this. I’d get my own federal agency and never have to work again. Them boys at the Clinton County Republican Caucus will never look at me the same way again. It will be Mr. Windfall and no more “Little Buzz.”

And no offense to the Commander-in-Chief, but when I say “mission accomplished”, there will be lots of busted windows, mangled plastic reindeer and smashed up Santas to show that I really mean “mission accomplished”. FEMA will think another hurricane blew through when I’m done with the “War on Christmas”.

Elwood J.Windfall, Jr.
Chairman Emeritus,
Clinton County, Indiana Young Republicans



[i] That was the Author’s great-great Uncle Eustace “Useless” Windfall. Old Uncle “Useless” ran a dry-cleaning business in Indianapolis and was especially skilled at getting stains out of white linen. He met D.C. Stephenson when Stephenson brought in his evening attire to Uncle Eustace’s shop. “Uncle Useless” was so proficient in getting out urine stains in white linen, Stephenson made him Director of White Linen Uniform Procurement.

ONLY 31% OF 2003 US COLLEGE GRADUATES ARE BE ABLE TO READ AND UNDERSTAND COMPLEX WRITINGS.

US LITERACY AMONG COLLEGE GRADUATES DROPS PRECIPITOUSLY.
NO WONDER ECONOMIC LITERACY RATE IS ONLY SLIGHTLY HIGHER THAN THE GROWTH RATE OF A GALAPAGOS TORTISE.

(Author’s note: The post for today was to have been some more discussion on the US balance-of-payment numbers. There will be a little discussion about the trade deficit, but a most disturbing report was released by the US Department of Education.)

The Author, in his more cynical days, was fond of the statement: “No one never lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the American people”. This nation’s educational system has been in decline at least as far back as the Author started school. He would like to think he had some part in this, but perhaps he flatters himself. The National Assessment of Adult Literacy, conducted in 2003 by the Department of Education and just released, demonstrates generally falling rates of literacy across all population groups.

The most startling figure was that only 31% of college graduates in 2003 rated “proficient” in English, down from a scandalously low figure of 40% of college graduates in 1999. The definition of “proficient” is the ability to read lengthy, complex English texts and draw complicated inferences, or compare viewpoints in two different editorials. Being “proficient” in English would appear to be a prerequisite to perform college level work. But obviously not.

In the general population, only 13% of Americans are “proficient” in English. 53% of college graduates, and 44% of Americans in general, are rated as “intermediate”. This means that they can perform moderately difficult activities such as finding information in reference materials.

At the bottom of the scale, about 5% of Americans are illiterate, and 14% are below basic reading, such as understanding information in a pamphlet.

US DEFICIT IN CURRENT ACCOUNT FOR THIRD QUARTER FALLS SLIGHTLY. ANY CORRELATION WITH THE FOREGOING?

Who knows whether American intellectual underperformance directly correlates with the third quarter Current Account deficit of 195.8 billion?[i] This third-quarter figure is down slightly from the second quarter Current Account deficit of 197.8 billion. However, “the third quarter figure was below the $205 billion imbalance that had been forecast. Analysts said payments by foreign insurance firms to settle damage claims stemming from hurricanes Katrina and Rita accounted for most of the improvement.”[ii]

The hurricane indemnification payments will be onetime events. Still, foreign investors are sopping up US securities, credits that go into the balance-of-payment capital accounts and offset the current account deficits.

CHRISTMAS THOUGHTS FOR TEACHERS AND EDUCATORS

After reading about the poor literacy rates in America, the Author wishes to pause and thank those stand out teachers, professors and mentors that taught him to read, comprehend and think critically. It could not have been easy. There are a lot of them, so he will spread the kudos out over a few days. Miss Hartzler[iii], Mrs. Sponhauer, Mrs. Stoeling, Miss Breggar, Old Pete Null, Mr. Owens, Mr. and Mrs. Speakman, Coach McClellan, Mr. Wysong, Mr. Hochstetler.

THE ONLY REQUIRMENT FOR ADMISSION TO THE DESERT OF THE REAL IS A WILLINGNESS TO LEARN!

[i] Correlation does not always equate with causation. But a poorly educated workforce is not a productive workforce. We’ll leave it at that for today.
[ii] “Deficit in Current Account Narrows Slightly in 3Q Although Still 3rd Highest Level in History”, AP story, http://biz.yahoo.com/ap/051216/economy.html?.v=9&printer=1
[iii] The Author will deviate from his common prefix for women as “Ms” because of the convention of the time when he attended elementary school.