WAR ON CHRISTMAS! BRING IT ON!

(The Author is taking a day off for Holiday, er, he means Christmas Shopping. This post is contributed by the Author’s cousin, Elwood J. “Little Buzz” Windfall, Jr.

Little Buzz’ father, Uncle Elwood J. “Buzz” Windfall, was a prominent central Indiana attorney and Jim Beam enthusiast. Unfortunately, Uncle Buzz died seven Christmas Eves ago. But that is another story.

Little Buzz, like his uncle, is an attorney. Cousin Little Buzz appears to be even more enthusiastic about Jim Beam than his father.)

If the liberal “Happy Holidays, No Faith in Government bunch” want war on Christmas, by God, I want in on it. And my share out of it. With the no-bid contracts going out now, some of that money should come the way of this Good Republican Hoosier. Us Windfall’s been Republicans longer than the Barbara Bush’s been shaving. My dad collected for Nixon. And my great-grandpa[i] worked for D.C. Stephenson down in Indianapolis. I want a spoonful of the Washington Christmas pudding, just like these trough-guzzlin’ Texans that are getting’ in on it now.

I heard that George Bush and the Texas Republicans hated government until they figured out that check-writing privileges came along with war-making authority. One friend of mine, a Texas lobbyist and a Republican fund-raising Pioneer, told me back in 2001 ”before we went to Warshin ‘ton, they used to say that the Fed ‘rul guv’munt was all about checks and balances. I’m here to tell you son, it’s about the checks. All about the checks”.

Whatever the party needs in this “War on Christmas”, I can deliver. Hell, I like a traditional Christmas as much as the next man. I have fond memories of Christmas. Drunken snowmobiling on Christmas Eve. Shooting out Christmas lights with BB guns. And that one Christmas Eve when cousin Rob rented a front loader and we used it to knock down snowmen, garages, and the statue of Evan Bayh at the Statehouse. (Author’s note: This last thing didn’t happen. The arrest reports and the Indiana Bar Association Disciplinary Proceeding records make the front loader incident “deniable”. We paid a lot of people a lot of money to guarantee that outcome.)

Right now, I have access to my entire client list of rural Indiana petty criminals for some “Happy Holidays” sayin’ liberal ass kickin’s. If they want the American Civil Liberties Office cleaned out, no problem. A fifth of Jack Daniels, some fresh cooked, low lye residue meth, and these boys would have the whole New York Times Washington Bureau humming “Oh Little Town of Bethlehem” through breathing tubes.

You know, those boys are Christians, too. Lots of them even went to church and Sunday school. They was probably the ones stealing the communion wine and skimming the collection plate, but they was there, just like the rest of us.

Target, Macy’s, Nordstrom’s, I’ll jack’ em all up for a few million bucks. Just put that contract and the cash in my hand and it’s done. And I will kick up the tithe. Hell, I could even end up a Pioneer over this. I’d get my own federal agency and never have to work again. Them boys at the Clinton County Republican Caucus will never look at me the same way again. It will be Mr. Windfall and no more “Little Buzz.”

And no offense to the Commander-in-Chief, but when I say “mission accomplished”, there will be lots of busted windows, mangled plastic reindeer and smashed up Santas to show that I really mean “mission accomplished”. FEMA will think another hurricane blew through when I’m done with the “War on Christmas”.

Elwood J.Windfall, Jr.
Chairman Emeritus,
Clinton County, Indiana Young Republicans



[i] That was the Author’s great-great Uncle Eustace “Useless” Windfall. Old Uncle “Useless” ran a dry-cleaning business in Indianapolis and was especially skilled at getting stains out of white linen. He met D.C. Stephenson when Stephenson brought in his evening attire to Uncle Eustace’s shop. “Uncle Useless” was so proficient in getting out urine stains in white linen, Stephenson made him Director of White Linen Uniform Procurement.